You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother Paperback – March 12, 2012

I read this book in 1 sitting. I had always known I was damaged by my NM, but never realized all of the ways I had been damaged until I saw them listed in this book. They all resonated with me. I remember telling my husband, "I can't quite decide if I'm an overachiever or an underachiever" and he thought I was joking. In my mind, I don't know. But, it turns out, I'm an overachiever, who has no confidence. I really saw myself. It was shocking! At the same time, it was validating to know that I have overcome a LOT of the issues my NM has put on me. And it's also good to know that I can't do anything to change her. Because, I've tried. Finally, at the age of 50 years old, after trying for YEARS to get my NM to do activities with me, and coming up with unique activities and having her dismiss them ALL, I finally had an epiphany, which was: she doesn't want to. Just those 4 little words freed me. So, I say to you, all DONM's, read this book and become free. Free of guilt, free of hope that she will ever change. As an added bonus, this book tells you what not to do! I could have used this book a long time ago. If only!I found this book as I came across the author's forum. I read every definition, etc. I didn't spend any time in the forums, and I would like to say, whatever the issues going on there, don't be swayed in one direction or the other. Buy this book and see for yourself.I wasn't keen on EFT before I read the book, but now I feel I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by trying it.

I picked up this book by chance while I was reading a list of books recommended for Daughters who suffer from narcissistic mothers.And wow is this book a pleasant surprise. I’ve been in therapy for about 3 years now. And I’m slowly, very slowly breaking contact from my narc family. This book came in handy when I just had gone No Contact from my family.The author describes the inner experience and thought processes and feelings of DONMs so well. It’s as if she can read my mind. As I come to learn, it’s no surprising how Narc moms use strikingly similar techniques to belittle and guilt and devalue their daughters and destroy their sense of self. I appreciate the abundant empathy and understanding displayed by the author, who is a fellow survivor of Narc Mothers. It’s a short read, but well worth the time.To my suspicion and surprise, I tried the EFT(emotional freedom technique ) recommended by the author. And it is surprisingly working bit and bit especially with the detailed scripts the author offered. I’m so glad I have found and read this book, and now I might go back and revisit parts of the book. And the hardest part for me will be to commit to practicing the EFT on a daily basis. I hope I will get there.Thank you Danu.

One of the best I've read on the actual experience of having a NPD mother. This really hit home and made me feel just as the book states, not crazy and more validated knowing I was not alone in dealing with this type of behavior for so many years.

As background, I have read a lot of books about narcissists and sociopaths, to try to understand how they think. This book pretty much skips over any insight into that. Instead, it's a mixture of the author's sharing her personal journey, with generalizations presumably based on experience from the Internet message board she operates. (The Amazon reviews say the author throws people off her message board when they learn to think for themselves, that behavior makes me nervous.) The book itself is great as an immediate response to, "Help, my mother is driving me crazy, what do I do?" The author boils down your options in a very practical way, then sort of commiserates with how living through this has injured you ("warped your view of normality" is what she is getting at). So, the book is helpful for that, although it omits one of the most powerful techniques: re-framing a situation, so that YOU think about it differently. A lot of the hurt feelings in dealing with a narcissist arise from one's own expectations and hopes being unmet - well, those expectations and hopes were unrealistic for a narcissist, so just re-frame as your own mistake in thinking you were interacting with a fully functional human adult - you weren't as narc/socios have defective emotional intelligence. I was disappointed in that the book provides scant understanding into WHY the narcissistic mother is the way she is, other than to say she is really still a child herself and will not grow. If you want an example of a narcissist/sociopath in action, read LADY SUSAN by Jane Austen. Narcissists and sociopaths (1 in 25 people, according to Martha Stout's wonderful THE SOCIOPATH NEXT DOOR, that should be of interest to everyone!) never actually "recover" or "grow" into normal neurotic-type people, although they can learn to inflict damage less carelessly if they have a reason to want to be more careful. The strategy for the rest of us is really just to identify the narcissists and sociopaths (clues: they say one thing yet do another ("cognitive dissonance"), they lie - sometimes just for the pleasure of lying, they are not supportive of others except in the initial grooming phase), and then protect ourselves by running away or asserting rock-solid boundaries (always always ensure you are getting what you want, because that's what they're doing, and you will be roadkill if you don't play by their rules). On the bright side, the book seems to have been carefully edited so that what was once the author's insufferably bossy advice (maybe it worked for her, but that doesn't mean she should force her choices onto all of us) has been toned down into "here is what I did, and you can do as you wish". In short, this book will do no harm, and it may do a lot of good, so even if you get only one helpful tidbit, it's worth buying and reading the book.