Prisoners Of Childhood: The Drama of the Gifted Child and the Search for the True Self Hardcover – July 4, 1996

This book is one of the most insightful books I have ever read. Alice Miller is a brilliant writer who somehow manages to provide, in a short succint little book, vital and important information to unlocking the mysteries of our childhoods. As children, we idealistically assume that our parents have nothing but our best interests at heart. Then, in retrospect, after we have suffer failed relationships,divorces, abortions, or our traumas, we enter psychotherapy only to realize that we were not given the tools we really needed to survive in our families of origin. Of course, this happened because our parents did not pass on to us the proper tools we needed and this occurred because their parents did not prepare them and so on and so forth. So, we come to realize, after undergoing family based therapy, that our problems are really crossgenerational. The emotional abuse and abandonment that I experienced from my mother can be traced back to my German grandmother, who was the product of a union between her father and her oldest sister. She had three daughters who were hateful towards one another and competitive, probably due to the negative impression that they received from my grandmother about the role of females in the family . The boys were worshipped and placed on pedestals, whereas the girls were disrespected and somehow treated as inferior. Each of her three daughters then passed down to their daughters this disrespect and contempt.Each of the three daughters had one daughter and their relationships with their mothers were abusive, just like mine. I now understand how this pattern developed in my mother's family and how she was programmed to repeat this abusive pattern in our relationship. I have long since forgiven my mother for her disrespect towards me, as I realize she was a product of her family upbringing. Alice Miller clearly shows how this pattern of disrespect is a learned behaviour. My grandmother felt disrespected in her family of origin. She then passed this disrespect down to each of her daughters. It is only by understanding history that you are not condemned to repeat it. I chose not to reproduce children of my own because I felt compelled to break this negative abusive pattern. I refused to reproduce a daughter who I would then mistreat, disrespect or otherwise treat in a hurtful and abusive manner. After reading Alice Miller's book, I am certain now that I made the right decision. Anyone who was once a child or who intends to have children needs to read this incredible book.

"Prisoners of Childhood" is a compelling psychoanalytical exploration of the causes and affects of lost childhood. When Miller refers to the "gifted" child, she means the sensitive, aware and impressionable child who, because of the unconscious projections of the parent on the child, the child, in the process of their early development, splits from their true self, denies their true instinctual feelings, in order to live up to the behavioural structures imposed by the parent. Miller writes:"Yet, what is missing above all is the framework within the child could experience his feelings and his emotions. Instead, he develops something the mother needs, and this certainty saves his life (the mother's and father's love) at the time, but it nevertheless may prevent him, throughout his life, from being himself." (P. 34-5)The narcissistically cathected child, that is, the child who has internalized the behaviour expectations of the parent, at the expense of his own feelings, in most cases, develops intellectually, but remains stunted in the world of emotions. This contributes to the creation of a "false self"; this in turn creates distinct symptomatic behaviour in the form of "grandiosity" or depression.The gifted child will conform or adapt to the unconscious manipulations of the parent in order to avoid losing the parent's love. Miller writes,"Thus under certain circumstances, a child may learn very early what he is not allowed to feel, lest he run the risk of losing his mother's love." (P.46)In Miller's clear and accessible prose, she describes many examples of psychoanalytic therapy and it positive effects through the patient's discovery of the parents of his early years during that crucial stage of the analysis, the transference, thereby becoming consciously aware of his parent's "unconscious manipulations", thus, it is hoped, over time, becoming free from them.This is an important book because it opens the door to a greater understanding in the way we see children, discovering the "manipulations" that have been imposed on us as children, thus avoiding making the same mistake with our own children. In the end, really, it is letting our children express their feelings no matter how these feelings cause us discomfort socially and otherwise - granting children the space to grow and develop, to develop into the people they truly are.This book is not "clinical" in its approach, but is written with a compassionate concern. Recomended.