Find Me: A Novel Paperback – August 4, 2020

I loved this sequel to "Call Me By Your Name", and completely disagree with other reviews bemoaning that Elio and Oliver don't finally get back together till the last handful of pages. If they'd gotten together sooner, it would have been a repeat book of Call Me By Your Name. Just re-read CMBYN if you want to re-capture the Elio/Oliver initial romance. Find Me is about the reality of how their relationship could and would likely unfold under the circumstances of their lives, distance, and gay acceptance or lack thereof of THAT time. Each character (especially Oliver) needed their growth and realization away from each other to make their reuniting as genuine and without doubt, as it was. A heart's calling not diminished by time or distance.One of the most poignant parts of Call Me By Your Name, for me, was Elio's father's clear-the-air speech, if you will, when Elio returned home after he and Oliver's getaway. What an insightful and special man and father! On page 112 of Find Me, Elio speaks of, tells his father he made him who he is today, and he could see his father now not just as his father, but as a man in love...the importance of that clarity. Elio says it makes him happy, almost envious. He speaks of how his father taught him how he has this one life to live and time is stacked against us all. So I enjoyed reading about the father fleshed out more in Find Me, and his unexpectedly finding his own truth and joy....an example that no doubt further propelled Elio to stay true and focused on his first love, not allow himself to write it off as just a first love, done and over. Samuel was an excellent example to his son. THIS, for me, tied together why the father figured so prominently in Find Me....his profound influence on his son in all ways. And that is such a huge component of how gay or bisexual children grow up perceiving themselves. Elio is completely comfortable with himself, sure of his heart. Unusual in that era. That, to me, was the essence of both books! Elio completely trusting in his heart. A huge part of that came from Elio's relationship with his father. I didn't get that vibe from Oliver; his was a different experience. Both from his saying in CMBYN that had his father known of his bisexuality, he would have "carted him off to a correctional facility".....to Oliver apparently not believing he could pursue a forever-relationship with Elio, instead pursuing a heterosexual marriage back in the U.S., as though it was the only real choice. I've seen some criticize Oliver leaving his kids and wife in the end, as though callously, selfishly or without thought, but I can't imagine a crueler thing relationship-wise than to stay with someone while your mind and heart are hundreds of miles away. I'm actually a bit shocked that others (as per negative reviews) aren't seeing that about Find Me! Really? The very book title "Find Me", to me, reflects all that it took for Oliver to live with his choices and the cost of them, search his most deeply-rooted convictions, and recognize then seek his un-lived life before returning and finding Elio. Oliver didn't have the supportive background to fully know and find himself and feel secure in himself the way Elio had from a younger age, largely due to his supportive father. In that way, Elio was way ahead of Oliver.My only disappointment is that it appears Find Me will not be made into a movie as well......

Call Me By Your Name has become a part of our cultural mythology, so this new sequel, Find Me could have been indulgent and expected, a sort of wish fulfillment to please readers. (For the record, I probably would have loved that version of the book, too.)I will not spoil anything here by saying this, but Elio is only in about half Find Me and Oliver only about a quarter. The sequel, instead, begins with Elio's father, Samuel, who gave that brilliant monologue at the end of CMBYN. In fact, through these three men—Samuel, Elio, and Oliver—Aciman is able to continue his exploration of the stickiness and ecstasy and transcendence of fullblooded, devoted, naked human desire instead of merely "continuing the story."Aciman gives us gorgeous writing, swoony love scenes, and some lovely new characters, but the philosophical wonderings of the author are given the brightest spotlight and these are the book's showpiece. I feel like I want to read the book again and soak in the wisdom of these pages all over again. A passage like the following is a good example of what we are in for:"Perhaps [...] music doesn't change us that much, nor does great art change us. Instead, it reminds us of who, despite all our claims or denials, we've always known we were and are destined to remain. It reminds us of the mileposts we've buried and hidden and then lost, of the people and things that mattered despite our lies, despite the years. Music is no more than the sound of our regrets put to a cadence that stirs the illusion of pleasure and hope. It's the surest reminder that we're here for a very short while and that we've neglected or cheated or, worse yet, failed to live our lives. Music is the unlived life."I'm not sure all readers will like these characters and how they feel so unabashedly. They don't merely love; they ache. They don't merely regret; they devastate. Reading Find Me made me think about what Hanya Yanagihara said about A Little Life and why she chose to write primarily about men:"I do think that men, almost uniformly, no matter their race or cultural affiliations or religion or sexuality, are equipped with a far more limited emotional toolbox. Not endemically, perhaps — but there’s no society that I know of that encourages men to put words to the sort of feelings — much less encourages their expression of those feelings — that women get to take for granted. Maybe this is changing with younger men, but I sometimes listen to my male friends talk, and can understand that what they’re trying to communicate is fear, or shame, or vulnerability — even as I find it striking that they’re not even able to name those emotions, never mind discuss their specificities; they talk in contours, but not in depth."Aciman's male characters are a gorgeous counterpoint to Yanagihara's—both shadows of the other. Samuel and Elio and Oliver feel deeply, and artfully name those feelings shamelessly. Even when they keep life at arms length and rationalize away their emotional needs, they burn and dare to testify to that burning. It's a joy and a sweet release to participate in these characters' lives—so scared and alive and childlike and tender and bold.And for the record, I love the resolution Aciman gives us of Elio and Oliver. So show up for Elio and Oliver; and stay for the gift that Aciman's language. And maybe you'll also feel the tug of a life well lived by the time you reach the book's end.