When I Say No, I Feel Guilty

Older nook. Classic and one of the most helpful I have ever read.

I think many unknowingly would benefit from this work. If you find yourself frustrated when it comes to dealing with and relating to other people, this book offers a lot of insight and tools on how to navigate the social realm in a productive and satisfactory way.

Valuable for those who encounter the common practice of manipulation in daily life. Saying no, asserting yourself and your being… these things are not only crucial for prosperity but in rare cases our own survival. It is so important to learn things like this and Smith goes into this super well.I also appreciate how this intersects and in many way (implicitly) disagrees with the popular book “Nonviolent Communication” which covers pretty much the same topic. They compliment each other incredibly well.In terms of criticisms, I found a lot of the way Smith writes to be a tad over-philosophical and psycho-therapy babble for my taste. However, the practical action steps, techniques and examples breathe life into the read as they arise.

This book came out in 1975, when Assertiveness Training was all in vogue... it was a hit then and is still relevant today. I like it so well, and it has changed my life so much, that I have bought four copies (so far) to share with my family and my friends. And, I bought a Kindle copy so I won't lose it even if I give away my last print copy.If you have that feeling that people in your life are all taking bits and pieces of you and you just aren't able to just be yourself, this is the book for you! It shows you how to stop letting other people be the judge of what you should or shouldn't do, what is right or wrong for you, or how you should live your life.The book outlines the Bill of Assertive Rights, and if you internalize them and put them into practice, not only will your life change, but as you change how you respond to people, their lives will change as well.1. “You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts and emotions, and to takethe responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.”2. “You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior.”3. “You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to otherpeople’s problems.”4. “You have the right to change your mind.”5. “You have the right to make mistakes – and be responsible for them.”6. “You have the right to say, ‘I don’t know’.”7. “You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before copingwith them.”8. “You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.”9. “You have the right to say, ‘I don’t understand’.”10. “You have the right to say, ‘I don’t care’.

This book provides perfect solutions for challenging career and personal situations. In the early 1980s, I profited immensely by using the author's recommended techniques. I've had multiple copies and loaned them a couple of times to college students whom I once mentored. But my books were never returned. Recently I learned it was still available. Without hesitation, I ordered a copy.

As the first book that I read pertaining to "assertive training", it will hold a special place in my heart.In the instance I give it an extra star. In reality it should really be a "two star book".Overview:This book is overly-agressive, and does not give the reader a sense of "fair play" for the other human being you are speaking to. I took this book with such a zealous lust that it ended causing me more anxiety as a result of some of the misguided information. The information is useful, however it only gives a small window of scenarios to use them. The first being asking another person to do something for you which in the book is commonly a "refund" which requires the books approach. And the second is saying no to a request that you don't want.In both these scenarios, there was no room for a compromise, as the author sets out to either "get that refund that you deserve" or "say no without giving any sort of excuse", which could be seen as manipulation. I see some serious flaws within these strategies.Firstly, they are too agressive.Secondly, they don;t allow for compromise for the final result.Thirdly, you are discouraged from giving any reasons for your decision.Fourthly, these techniques require massive amounts of balls.For the first situation, the techniques are too agressive in terms of the wording used. It would be helpful to also know what intonation, pacing and voice pitch should be used. Simply repeating the same message word for word very bluntly is too agressive, most normal humans don't react kindly to this treatment. Saying no can work in some situations, yes you can use it on the salesman on the sidewalk trying to sell you something. Or you can say nothing and keep walking. However, far more tact and diplomacy is required for any other situation where you are likely to see that same person again, and you want to build some form of relationship with that person.Also, in regard to the multiple refund situations, a person must be open to the possibility that another person simply won't give you what you want unless you are willing to go through so much effort, work and pain to get that, when you can look to settle for an honourable compromise. I have had plenty of situations where I followed the advice of the book and kept going for the outcome I wanted eg: "a refund", without the intention of settling for a compromise. Sometimes not being open for a compromise can be detrimental for negotiations. Just hammering away at your opponent with broken record will sometimes solidify their stance and make them more resistant to your bullying.Thirdly, giving either valid or invalid reasos for saying no to requests takes alot of the sting out the interaction for both parties involved. It is a common thing for humans to do, and at least for me, I dont find giving them, or recieving them. Its just what humans do. Yes, in some situations you may not want to blab heaps of explanations for why you were late, you may just say you were late and leave it at that. However, sometimes its nice to let someone know reasons, especially people you care for like girlfriends, family and friends.Fourthly, I found that some of the scenarios would require a high level of social freedom, courage and internal locus of control, things that alot of people on the non-assertive scale lack. This isn't that kind of book that I needed when I first became aware of assertive training.These are high level techniques for people that are already probably asserive anyway, and then giving them a framework for interaction, that is too one-dimensional, uncompromising and unrealistic.Some of these technques can be used, although the context needs to be looked at.